My Leadership Journey in the church

I’ve been a leader in the church almost my entire Christian life. Born-again at 19, my passion for the bible and the Lord meant that I was leading small groups at 20.

To this day I’ve led 7 different small groups for four different churches in Austin, TX; Washington, DC: Peachtree City, GA; and Avondale Estates, GA. 

I quickly step into active church roles, when they discover my passion for Jesus and my heart to serve.

What I’m about to say may shock you. 

I feel like I barely know God.

The more I learn about His ways and my ways, the more I realize that I have been practicing church. 

I figured out a system for engaging a group and teaching a solid word. We all felt happy at the end of group. We connected. We learned. We grew. It was a happy time.

Sometimes the discussion was anointed… Those days were the best! 

I’d often think after a group, “I could do this for the rest of my life.”

I meant every word.

My Small Group System

I’m passionate about the kingdom and I love people. I also don’t love politics or institutions, so leading my own group suited me fine.

My aim was always “freedom.”  Teach the group about the beautiful freedom we gain from the cross, and we’ve won. It actually worked well. 

I’d hear comments like “You’re the best small group leader” and “Great Group!”

My ego was pleased.

My small group system was a success.

My job was my Idol

During my stints leading bible studies, I was professionally a marketing consultant, first in agencies, then independently. I would lead my small groups on the side.

In 2019 everything changed when I heard the strong voice of God say “I hate this project.”  God is Spirit and speaks to our spirit, which is why is was very loud, but not audible.

When I heard the words, I panicked. I was in the middle of the project. Do I ditch the project? What is He asking?

I called the client immediately and told her the website was officially on the back burner. She didn’t care because it was her side-hustle, not her main focus. She and I were both moms of toddlers, so we were having “fun” building our businesses. The longer time frame meant nothing to her.

After the project was officially done, I quit everything. I quit my business. I quit my small group leading.

I decided I had to know what God was saying.

God is Jealous for You

The words, “I hate this project” were from a jealous God. The book of James says He is jealous for the spirit he’s caused to live in you. (James 4:5)

I’d become obsessed with the website being perfect, and God longs for our heart. My heart was not loving Him first. Far from it.

The website had become an idol that I worshiped. I was constantly thinking, “We’ve got to get the right photos! We’ve got to fix the bugs. Are the links correct? Is the payment processing? How is the flow?”  Hours and hours brewing over the website that the client kept needing changed.

How to respond to “I hate this project,” was unknown. Does this mean I should go into ministry? What does this mean? 

The year was 2020. Covid was on the news and the world was riddled with fear. The entire world joined me being still. But everything felt bigger in my life than Covid. I was seeking the invisible God, and I was pretty sure that I would find him.

At the end of the year, I was praying “How do I touch the world?” and I heard a name of a ministry. Within 6 months, my husband and I joined that ministry as leaders. Fast forward six months and we knew we needed to leave the ministry. Even the leader asked me, “When are you starting your ministry?”

NEVER.

“I never want to be in ministry.” I thought. I know how hard it is. Despite it giving me the most joy of everything in life. My aim was to fit in with the crowd or follow a leader. I don’t need to “start something” or be a leader and I certainly don’t need that to be ministry. 

Until it wasn’t my stance, and my ministry journey was one I couldn’t ignore.

Purpose Unfolding

Because I’d been a business consultant, I decided changing into coaching as my vocation and “ministry” made sense.  Then client conversation after conversation, I watched what God had given me as a coach. I saw the way that my life could truly be a blessing. The stories that built my life and the experiences that molded my perspective act as massive spiritual weapons. 

I’m Not a Good Christian.

I fail as a Christian. I remember once seeing this downcast man in a skirt walking through a parking lot. He look depressed and sad. My heart went out to him and I felt the presence of God and sensed an opening in the sky. I froze. I was supposed to share the gospel. I had duties to be a good Christian. He kept walking on and I worried he was going off to commit suicide or something horrible that I was supposed to stop. I froze. I prayed the rest of the night and decided my new assignment was to pray for him regularly. The next morning, I woke thinking about him. Then Jesus came to me. I could feel him to the left of me. (It was just a knowing he was there, nothing tangible.) He said, “Your words break chains.”

Upon hearing that from Jesus, I stopped my obsession with the sad man in a skirt. Jesus gave me identity in the place of condemnation and obsession. Jesus gave me words that would strengthen me and empower me to do His works. I wouldn’t do them out of duty. I would operate from identity.

What if ministry isn’t looking like a “Christian” but it’s looking like ourselves? Pure ministry is looking like ourselves in the identity that Jesus gave us. What if life is meant to be easy, because we’re actually operating as the creation we’re intended to be.

Power of Identity

Everything we do comes from our identity. It all starts by knowing who you are and then taking action. This is the formula to know purpose and to know joy. Knowing my identity “your words break chains” has positioned me to become who God intends me to become. Because of identity, the fear of talking to a stranger subsides. If I knew being me and speaking would help a sad man, I’m unafraid to talk to him.

As a highschooler, I thought I knew who I was and was confused at all the discussion about figuring out who you are. “What does it mean?” I pondered at 18.

 I remember thinking, “I know what I like and don’t like. Is there more?” 

I journeyed into college, into work, into motherhood. I journeyed down a typical path of a middle class American. Education, Job, Family, Future Retirement. I liked the plan. It was comfortable and predictable. I was in…until I wasn’t.

There were a number of interruptions to my plan. Finding Jesus and becoming a Christian at 19, being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at 21, working consulting gigs and nonprofit, finding “fulfilling” jobs only to feel that I was unhappy. What was happening?

The fabric of the American dream and the pathway to happiness was fraying. It was being torn apart until there was no more American Dream left at all.

The American Dream doesn’t work. There is something bigger for our lives, and God is actively trying to get us to exit systems like the American Dream, my small group system, the work system….every system had to go until it was just about relationship with God. Intimacy and relationship with my creator. The entire reason Jesus came and suffered for me, so that I would have abundant life, and our systems are far from abundant life. It may be a rich life, but what is true abundance?

My Present State

I quit. All of it. It wasn’t for me and I wasn’t able to maintain the illusion of enjoying a “normal” American life. Perhaps this was repentance. |

Something bigger than me is happening. I am exiting the world’s path and venturing onto a higher path.

I still want my comfortable, familiar path. But there is a pull calling me into risk and seeing what could be. With every move I make into the unknown, like starting this Youtube, becoming a content creator, a coach, and a speaker…it’s actually where peace exists. I am surprised that being seen and vulnerable could possibly translate into peace. Jesus is the Prince of Peace and God’s ways are higher than ours:

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I had an image years ago, when I was seeking God and asking, “What is my life message?” I saw myself in a diaper held by Jesus with a microphone. I was 29 when I saw that image and thought, “Dependency. I’ll teach people about depending of God.”  At the time I knew so little and am still learning what it means.

Recently when I shared that image with a friend, she said “Oh, that’s also vulnerability. You’ll be vulnerable in front of others.”

I cried a few times writing this post. I can’t even believe what I’m doing and how unqualified I feel. The more you know God, the more you realize how little you truly know. 

My one prayer these days is, “I need to know you.” And God is teaching me who He is and who I am. I’m discovering true humility, and I’m being stripped of every idol. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey!